The Framework of Delivery: Tone & Diction
I need you to listen to this clip for the sake of understanding this piece. Fast forward to 0:32.
“Hooking up is a two person thing. If he was treating you like that, why did you f*** him again?”
I audibly gasped hearing that from Love Island Season 8 cast member’s Kayda Bosse to Jaiden Bacciocco on the prerecorded reunion of their season that aired this past Monday.
For those of you who don’t watch the show, let me give an as-neutral-as-I-can relay of events.
For those of you that have… scroll down past this section unless you’d like to see how objective I can be whilst giving our non-viewers the rundown.
During the segment, the hosts are asking Jaiden, a Casa Amor girl, and Caleb McDaniel, a male bombshell, the status of their relationship since they were voted off the island and left still together.
Caleb had a rocky season up until meeting Jaiden, since Georgia belle Kenzie Annis, an “OG Islander”, rejected him despite her constant requests in her confessionals for a “cowboy” who possessed the Southern values that she was accustomed to. I personally think this back and forth made viewers feel sorry for Caleb, so upon him leaving, he had a rep of “a good guy done wrong” despite having a happy ending by leaving the villa with Jaiden.
Now, for whatever reason, this reunion brought up these people’s sex lives several times, and here we find out that the two slept together the night they were sent packing.
In the following weeks, according to Caleb, they were trying to make it work in the outside world, yet it was growingly apparent from more time spent apart that the two wouldn’t make it far. Jaiden expressed that she felt the distance from Caleb, asking him several times if their relationship was still something he wanted to pursue, to which he reaffirmed her of his willingness to keep putting in effort. Even with this reassurance, she still felt shaky on his promises as communication was still significantly reduced, compiled with rumors of him being with other women on a trip.
Some time later, they were in the Hamptons together where they had an in-depth conversation of where they were at. The pair’s recount of this discussion varies greatly, and despite Caleb insinuating the conversation was him ending things since he didn’t have the “time management” for Jaiden, they both still hooked up later that night once again.
Two days later, he sent a text officially breaking things off.
Caleb felt like he had initiated their end while in the Hamptons and had been clear about his intentions; Jaiden felt blindsided and reasonably hurt, due to them being intimate two nights prior.
Now, let’s pivot to Kayda.
Kayda was the first female bombshell to enter the villa this season. She found her connection with “OG Islander” Zach Georgiou almost instantly. Despite this, for a while there, Zach seemed to still really want to keep their connection open so he could “explore”, ensuring that Kayda was his best connection.
This is something he kept reiterating for several episodes earlier this summer, even after being intimate with Kayda for the first time. Kayda appeared to be fine with this, as she too was open to explore. Maybe not in a “let me tell him I’m still willing to try to build something with someone else during the midst of aftercare, unprompted” way, but open, nonetheless.
Ultimately, the pair stayed together, and decided to close off their relationship towards the end of the season and be “exclusive”, but they were still not boyfriend and girlfriend yet. Not only did this “exclusive” news to the other islanders bring about debate in the villa, it also caused quite the discourse online, especially since two of the final six couples had become official in Fiji.
So, let’s rewind to the reunion.
During the midst of Jaiden and Caleb going back and forth on specifics and resulting feelings of the situation the two found themselves in, Kayda chimes in with:
“Hooking up is a two person thing. If he was treating you like that, why did you f*** him again?”
I mentioned in my previous post in this series “The Framework of Delivery”, that context or background information is a foundational aspect of communication. Without context, we cannot begin to peel back the layers of what someone’s true motivations or intentions are behind what they say to you or someone else. Furthermore, since perception typically trumps intention anyway, we have to be cautious about the delivery of said intention.
Based on what I recapped of the Jaiden and Caleb’s relationship, Kayda, at least in my opinion, asked a valid question that forces Jaiden or anyone in that sort of situation to reflect on how they deem their self-worth.
Why?
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
If Jaiden felt she was worth more than empty promises and poor communication from someone she was trying to build a relationship with, genuinely, why would she decide to be intimate with him again knowing that sex isn’t a casual thing for her?
Unfortunately though, given the context of it all, Kayda wasn’t the right messenger, and it was only further solidified by her word choice and tone.
Let’s first discuss why she was the wrong messenger, through what I think is/was the public perception of Kayda:
The public simply did not like her partner Zach for a multitude of reasons, but the one that applies most to this scenario was his constant cries of being open to explore, despite Kayda being willing to be fiercely loyal to him.
Due to the timing of them becoming exclusive, it was already understood that they were solely dating one another since there were no others for either of them to try to “explore.” In the past two seasons I’ve seen, there are no more “bombshells” that enter the villa after Casa Amor, and it’s already so late in the season that it doesn’t make sense for either to step out of their couples and pull others who are more likely than not secure in their relationships with their respective partners.
Kayda was defensive when the other islanders began to question the point of the label.
Kayda was never seen being all hunky-dory with Jaiden or Caleb, so there was no real reason for her to insert herself into that conversation.
Finally, their plan was to see how things went on the outside, while only dating each other to see if they’d want to take that next step.
All of those reasons combined create a narrative of the audience thinking,
“Kayda, you were coupled up all season with someone, and they still didn’t make it official with you, nor had he made you his girlfriend during the filming of the reunion. What was the point of being exclusive on the outside if you’re already doing everything a boyfriend and girlfriend do. By the looks of it, Zach is mistreating you, but you’re still messing with him.”
Now let’s discuss how tone and diction come into play. While there’s not as many reasons, the implications are just as great:
Kayda was noticeably irritated already, and her tone was rather judgmental and accusatory.
I’m going to highlight the most important words here: “Hooking up is a two way street. Why would you f*** him again if he was treating you like that?”
I don’t think she was wrong at all in her question, but her tone opened the gates for the viewers, who are often ready to tear each and every one of these poor contestants down, to rip her a new one.
The tone of it all would’ve made anyone feel attacked. The tone alone singled Jaiden out even more, because Kayda never asked Caleb (in the clips we saw) a question with such vim. Why ignore Caleb’s dishonesty to then attack Jaiden, the one who felt lied to? Why blame a woman for the burden of deciphering alone what a man’s intentions are?
Next, I don’t think I’m wrong in saying that using the words “hooking up” and “f***” was arguably the worst part of what she said. “Hooking up” implies something temporary, and if Jaiden was being truthful in how she felt used by Caleb, she wouldn’t have engaged in the act had she known it was going to be just that.
There’s probably over a hundred ways to describe sex, and there are many, honestly mostly\, vulgar ones. Using those words specifically changes the way the act itself is understood. All I’m saying is, there’s a reason people don’t use the phrase “making love” as much as more.
I’d also like to argue that using “if” casts doubt on whether or not Jaiden was telling the truth, which as a girl, I think it’s generally embedded in the code to believe when a woman is saying that a man isn’t sh*t and has treated her as such. Jaiden was, to me, rather detailed in her recall of the events, so to not even have her back in that moment was probably a shocking gut punch from a girl who observably is going through the same thing (using the public opinion as a baseline).
Overall, Kayda undeniably had a point, but considering how similar her own situation to Jaiden’s of latching on to a noncommittal guy appeared and the way she said her point…it’s a crystal clear picture of right message, wrong messenger.
Finally, let’s review the impact of what she said.
A great portion of the internet has turned on Kayda, now calling her a mean girl. They’re making even more anti-Black statements about her and her friends by picking apart her hair. She’s lost followers, including Kehlani, and perhaps upcoming brand deal opportunities. Don’t quote me, but I believe there was even a women’s group that already dropped her from a campaign.
The perception has clearly stomped on what I believe Kayda’s intention was of “Girl, you need to have some higher self-esteem. Stand up.”
We all need a friend like this in our lives. Now, whether we actually listen to them or not is a different story, but I applaud Kayda’s ability to call things out for her friends and other women when she sees something that needs to be addressed.
That said, people aren’t always open to taking advice from someone whose situation they don’t necessarily envy. I don’t think Jaiden viewed Kayda as someone to aspire to in that moment, given the state she had seen Kayda and Zach in. I also don’t think Kayda was necessarily coming from a loving or friendly place when she approached her, which probably made Jaiden even less receptive to what she had to say.
Furthermore, unfortunately, this one sentence is now documented forever and has already/could continue to cost her on the back end.
Context, tone, and diction are not silos. They all work together to build perception, and in a world where perception is sometimes entirely what people go off of, we can not always afford to sully it.
I mean, let’s not forget that cancel culture is here to stay, and there are people who will never forgive Kayda for simply giving her opinion and indirectly some strong advice.
The perception of her intention has noticeably and potentially changed her fate forever, and while it’s unfair to hold someone to such standards of playing quiet and nice or not being controversial, it’s nearly impossible to escape that standard.
Therefore, we must consider how all of these things work with one another to affect what we’re actually trying to achieve.
So, check your tone and just be intentional with the way you frame things—since you’ll never know how they’ll be taken.
As always, thank you all so much for reading this post! Let me know what you think.
This year at work, I planned an event for over 150 people and created a 50 page impact report, so my creative juices were recovering from that for the past few months. I hope to see you all again oh so soon.
Bye for now, loves!
