An Abysmal Crossroads
A few years ago, I wrote an “article” (Article is honestly my least favorite word to describe my writing, but it’s the most commonly used by others, so I’ll bite) about the saying “If They Wanted To, They Would”, In it, I explored how I initially held these absolutist beliefs regarding the phrase, but soon after more research—rather a quote from my dear friend McKeelan—the system of mine completely crumbled.
Through conversations and revelations of my own, I realized there’s complexities and nuances to every single decision we make and feeling we possess. Life is truly never that simple, so to believe the saying blindly every time is painfully naive. Moreover, it often highlights the ignorance of its most avid believers, as they can’t seem to understand concepts of multidimensionality nor do they want to—I mean I know I didn’t when I was the phrase’s captain.
I rarely every bring sh*t up without a reason, so please, as always, bear with me for a second.
I’m currently at a crossroads in my life that I never knew existed. I thought this sort of moral quandary only existed for…the detestable type. You know the ones.
Yet, here I am at an intersection that I simply cannot get out of since it’s riddled with those intricate subtleties. Here, there is no compromise like in “If They Wanted To, They Would”. Here, there is no decision which leads to a favorable outcome or one overarching lesson to be learned as all of my post suggest. Here, my feelings aren’t very conducive to finding contentment or even satisfaction for that matter, and I’m struggling.
I’ve never not been able to pinpoint what the ideal solution is. I’ve never been met with a proposition of this magnitude where somehow none of the outcomes actually even matter, yet simultaneously all of them result in such a devastating loss for all versions of me—past, present and future. A net negative if you will.
There’s always a semblance of a plan. A plan based on patterns. A plan based on my ever-aging, ever-wisening (or at least I hope so) discernment. A plan based on my current needs, wants, boundaries, and more.
But I don’t have one. All I have are feelings I don’t know where to place.
This crossroads has been afflicting me for weeks. I haven’t been able to shake it, and I feel awful about it in passing.
Perhaps I need a distraction, but distractions aren’t really sustainable, at least for me. The moment I’m reminded of my predicament, I’ll be back to square one.
I yearn for closure, and hopefully I’ll find the motivation and intention behind my indescribably incessant need to harbor these feelings soon. I mean, obviously, there’s a plan somewhere. I’m sure it’s just covered with Wellbutrin brain fog.
But who knows?
It’s 2:56 AM as I’m finishing this, and I know this isn’t my normal sort of post. Thank you for reading anyway.
I’ll see you soon. Maybe.
