“If They Wanted to, They Would”
Hi everyone! I’ve been super busy with finals & preparations for next year, so that’s why it’s been a minute! I’ve been dying to write this for the past month and haven’t found the time… until now! With that said, this is a lengthy post, so grab a snack or something.
I like lightly salted cashews, popcorn, or unfrosted Poptarts, but that’s just my preference.
I. Background
I wrote this idea down in my “Potential Blog Posts” note about three months ago, and thank God I waited to write it. In the name of total transparency, I had always been a strong—nearly belligerent—advocate of the saying and its implications. However, due to recent events in my own relationships, both existing & beginning, along with an executive decision to gather others' thoughts on the topic, my views have changed drastically. This is not to say I’ve made a complete 180-degree turn in my opinion. However, with the new insight I’ve gathered, I’m sitting at an angle of 110. Let’s begin.
I asked around 15-20 men and women (all cis-gendered, primarily straight) what their opinion was on five questions:
Do you believe in the saying “If you/they wanted to, you/they would”?
What are some examples of it? If you don’t believe in it, what are some things that invalidate the saying?
Which gender do you believe the saying applies to more in a [romantic] relationship way? Why is that?
Can someone solely rely on having this mindset? Why or why not?
Do you think that the effort is ever equally shared among friends / in relationships? Explain your answer.
My initial idea for this post was to analyze the difference in answers between straight men and women. However, upon receiving the responses though, I quickly found a trend amongst everyone’s answers, and threw that idea in the trash:
Everyone believed that there was truth in the theory, yet, it doesn’t apply to every situation.
The saying should apply to men & women both. However, historically, our society has perpetuated the idea that a straight man will pursue and continue to pursue a woman if he so desires.
Besides one or two people, the decision on whether or not someone should solely rely on this mentality was unanimous—no, you cannot.
Effort is rarely if ever shared equally at a given time.
II. The Root of the Problem With “If They Wanted To, They Would”
I soon realized that my tight hold on this previous mindset proved to be an outlier. There was an issue that I wasn’t seeing, and I believe my friend Mckeelan alluded to it when answering the fourth question, “Can someone solely rely on having this mindset? Why or why not?”:
“No, it becomes unhealthy. It eliminates the ability to see both sides, implying that you already don’t want to hear the other person’s side of the story. [It’s] not inviting for understanding or reasoning—it’s combative. [The mindset is] not constructive in any relationship field ever.”
What he meant here is that the mindset doesn’t allow for compromise. In any situation where compromise is unavailable, someone is either facing or believes they are facing a greater loss than the other party. This feeling of loss or disparity inevitably leads to conflict, the strain of a relationship, or even its demise. I’d also like to mention that my statement applies to every relationship you could think of—familial, platonic, or romantic. Honestly, we can take it a step further, and say it relates to belief systems. Using current events as an example, abortion wouldn’t be such a controversial topic of discussion and legislation if there was an effective compromise between both sides. Yet, there is not, and will never be a solution that would satisfy each set of beliefs. I digress though.
I’m not saying that the argument has no substance because of its implied lack of compromise. Personally, I think the reasoning behind the saying is why standards exist, which are gravely important. Standards and expectations about how others should treat you are necessary for our natural desire to be loved and appreciated. When someone isn’t meeting them, we must reflect on whether or not the relationship is making our lives better or worse, and act accordingly. Basically, this saying validates what we think we deserve for ourselves, and that is never inherently bad.
Let’s also not forget, “if they wanted to, they would” is so painfully simplistic, that it gives us easy, noncomplicated answers as to why people do what they do. I’m not sure if other people feel this way, but I’ve never been a fan of vagueness, gray areas, or apathy. So for me, this ideology has always been attractive.
It’s just sometimes, the mindset goes too far. I lose the ability to be empathetic, to see the other person’s side, and then I’m met with an uncompromisable situation.
“So . . .Taylor, I get that you don’t wholeheartedly believe in the saying anymore. But what are you doing to stay empathetic? What are the takeaways from these interviews and reflections? How are you finding balance?”
III. My Solutions
Practicing Effective Communication
I often find myself making the assumption that other people automatically know my expectations of them. More often than not, this leads me to disappointment. You can’t use this mentality of “oh they would’ve done it if they wanted to!” if the person doesn’t know what you want to be done. Does that make sense?? Therefore, I’ve been making conscious efforts to explicitly state what I want, instead of beating around the bush because I don’t want to seem too bossy or risk hurting someone’s feelings.
With effective communication, comes an understanding that people’s love languages, how they show and wish to receive love, might be completely different than yours, and that’s okay. For instance, Sawyer’s not very big on expressing words of affirmation, but I LOVE complimenting other people or writing words of encouragement. He’s big on acts of service like coming over just to cut my vegetables when I’ve had a bad day & accidentally hurt myself while slicing zucchini. I have friends who are serial huggers or cuddlers… I’m sorry, I wouldn’t dare cuddle with anyone, no matter how long I’ve known them, that I’m not romantically involved with. Love languages vary and can’t be equated so it’s about taking the time to learn someone’s likes & dislikes.
Stop Comparing Them to Other People.
If there’s one hill I will die on, it’s the fact that comparison is the thief of joy. I actually want to talk about this at some other point in time, so I’m keeping this explanation short and sweet. Comparing someone to another person or even yourself is one of the most harmful things that can occur in any friendship or relationship. It only leads to dissatisfaction.
Use the Mindset in Reasonable Situations
I had a situationship where I’d drive thirty minutes from my house just to hang out with this guy. I did this back when I drove the Gas Guzzler 3000 AKA a Jeep Wrangler. Whenever I’d ask him if we could spend time on my side of town, he rarely made an effort to do so. It’s reasonable to say here “If they wanted to, they would” because even when I effectively communicated what I wanted, he ignored it. Take off the rose-tinted glasses & be objective when someone is not being empathetic to you (more examples: talking behind your back, not inviting you places when you tell them your availability, cheating on you multiple times, etc). Don’t accept abnormal behaviors of people you’re either building or in friendships/relationships with, especially when they are aware of your discomfort about it.
To end this, I’d like to give a huge thank you to everyone who participated. I was so dedicated to this post that I asked people I haven’t spoken to in at least a year to answer those questions, and for those wondering, every single one of them responded. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, y’all’s support & engagement in this random hobby of mine means the world to me, so thank you again. I’ll see you guys soon & hopefully more frequently this summer. Remember to tell me what you think, and thank you again for reading!
