A Quick Rant: “Are You Happy To Be Back?”

I’m back in Memphis for the summer, and upon being here for a week, this has been the most frequent question of those who haven’t seen me in a while. If one more person asks me this God-forsaken question, I’m going to f***ing lose it.

“Taylor, you’re tripping, it’s an easy yes-or-no question. Just answer it and move on. You’re being dramatic.”

Maybe, but I don’t care. You just don’t understand how angry it makes me to hear those words spill out of people’s mouths.

For starters, what the hell is being happy anyway? My happiness fluctuates more than my weight. What would I know?? Honestly, I think I’ve just started hating the word now because I feel like almost anytime I’m “happy”, something decides to slap me across the face out of NOWHERE and makes me feel empty or unhappy once again. The usage of that word has a bad omen because of its lack of permanence. I am begging you that if you ever speak to me, refrain from even putting it into the universe around me. Instead, use joyful or something. Happiness is temporary, but joy is forever. I’ll talk about my logic of that some other day, but back to my rant.

Secondly, neither one of the questions’ answers satisfies me because I feel like both of them imply something that isn’t necessarily true.

1. Answer One: “Yes”

   1. I feel like this implies that I’m homesick, and to keep it a buck with you, I am far from that!!!! Every time I come home I’m reminded that there was never any food in the fridge when I was home. I use way more gas here because everything I want or need to do is about 15 minutes away as opposed to 5. My bedroom is plain & ugly because I never decorated it in high school. The three people that I enjoy hanging out with the most literally don’t live in Memphis during summers anymore. Most of all, I am constantly reminded of the person I used to be here, and she actually sickens me. Being at home just makes me feel like I am reverting back to my old self. I just feel like I’ve already progressed as much as I can, and there’s honestly nothing else for me here besides a few friends and my family. I don’t like the idea of revisiting stages of my life that I’ve already outgrown, and I feel like I’ve outgrown Memphis.

2. Answer Two: “No”

   1. No implies that there is something so much greater in the city you moved to, which is just NOT IT! I love Fayetteville but it has its problems! For one, there’s no Jack Pirtle’s! I have to wash my own dishes, and can’t rely on my mom doing mine. Furthermore, I can’t go upstairs, tell my mom “I’m hungry” and she tells me what card to get out of her wallet. My apartment gym is so much worse than the one I pay for here. Also, there’s just not enough diversity. I feel like I’m walking through Collierville the entire time I’m in Fayetteville. Not to mention, the amount of emotional breakdowns that I’ve had there about my social life, academics, and other things….plentiful. I’m just saying, it’s not perfect there.

I’m finished with the rant.

If you’re wondering what my answer is normally, it’s always a no. Perhaps I just miss my room & my boyfriend, and if neither of those existed, then I’d say yes. However, there’s no point in answering hypotheticals so, no. I’m not happy to be back, and please don’t ask because it makes me think about why I’m not happy to be back.

Thank you!