Social Cues Are Fashionable, But Empathy is Style.
Disclaimer: This post and however many are in this series look into how I navigate my interpersonal relationships with a focus on my dating life, yet it won’t be exclusive to my dating life. Therefore, to protect the privacy of certain individuals the names of those mentioned have been changed in this post.
Have you all heard the difference between fashion and style? If not, then I’m going to explain so that way the title makes a tad more sense.
Fashion is something that changes constantly. It’s keeping up with or even trying to stay ahead of the trends. It’s "mixing it up”, meaning that one season it could be avant-garde and experimental, while the next is minimalistic and chic. I think it even encompasses more than just clothing; it’s hair, makeup, accessories, and literally every aspect that goes into how someone presents themselves at a specific moment in time.
Think of how every girl in 2016 was filling their eyebrows to the heavens with the Anastasia Dip Brow, or how clout goggles and bucket hats were somehow wearable compared to today, where the “no-makeup” and soft glam looks rule and those Astro-Boy boots by MSCHF are coveted.
What about chevron infinity scarves (or just infinity scarves period), sagging, or even wearing skirts/dresses with jeans on top? If you were doing it or wearing it at the time you were an it girl or him; you were fashionable.
Style, on the other hand, is very individualistic. While one’s style might change slightly, I believe once the person finds and understands what clothing, colors, makeup techniques, hairstyles, etc. works best for them—they’re not going back. The person might participate in trends here and there but at the end of the day—they have a baseline. They have their ole reliables. Once someone has a sense of their own personal style, that person’s outfits and appearances are uniquely them.
Style stands the test of time, while fashion is merely a product of time.
Let’s also acknowledge that being fashionable and having style are not mutually exclusive. Someone can be fashionable and possess their own sense of style. People can be trendy without having their staple items. People can have style without going out and buying whatever jacket is considered the outerwear to own.
This is the same way with social cues and empathy.
When I began this post, I was under the impression that there was sort of a “cause and effect” between social cues and empathy, with the thought “because empathy is inherent [in most people], it is what drives social cues”. My reasoning for this line of thought is that I am a relatively anxious person when it comes to meeting people or trying to maintain certain relationships. I get worried that I’m annoying or upsetting the other person (or people) constantly, and I care how they are feeling especially if it’s someone I respect. If I pick up on something not being right, I try to either fix it or leave since I don’t want to further upset them.
Please note that the above paragraph was in no way me telling you to be hyper-self-aware in the way I just described. It’s actually exhausting, and I’d say about 60% of the time if you’re feeling this way constantly about a person or a group of people, then maybe you just shouldn’t be around them since they obviously don’t make you feel comfortable being yourself.
Anyways, this is simply not the case. I mean sociopaths have little to no regard for others, yet they can still pick up on social cues. So I’ve been trying to make sense of it for the past few weeks until I kind of thought about how my navigation of social cues has changed over the years.
This is where the comparison of social cues to “being fashionable” comes in. I think the social cues that we develop and pick up on are very dependent on the time that we are living in. While there might be trends in fashion, I think they can even extend to dating habits. Let’s talk about it.
Case: Letting Platt Down…Hard?
Another disclaimer: I’m not a saint, nor did I ever claim to be one. I have my bouts of brutal honesty and perhaps heartless moments. Don’t think less of me now that you all know I’m not perfect. Honestly, if I were the reader, I’d respect myself even more for admitting my wrongdoings, but that’s just me.
A few years ago, I started hanging out with this guy named Platt. Platt and I hung out maybe a total of three times and with each time, it became more obvious than the last that I truly wasn’t interested in him. He would ask me boring questions and continuously hype up responses that never warranted the praise. He smelled a little funny to me—it was like weed mixed with some other substance that I could never put my finger on. There was just nothing very stimulating—to me—about Platt, and that’s okay. I hope some girl has or will make him happy. I’ll never know because he has me blocked on Instagram, which I’ll explain why now.
The very last time I ever saw Platt, I had picked him up to go to Starbucks with me since I had canceled hanging out with him twice, once the night before and once later on that day. I had my friends call me almost as soon as I finished getting the coffee because truly, I didn’t want to be alone with him for more than twenty minutes. It worked out perfectly because my friends and I had a standing lunch appointment on Fridays at the UC. Kee calls me first, “asks me ‘where I’m at’ to keep the jig up, and that’s that. I start driving Platt back to his place which is only a two-minute drive from campus really, and then Markea calls. I decline because Kee already did what needed to be done! She calls me again, immediately going on speaker in my car, and I distinctly remember saying “Kee already called me; I’m headed to the UC”.
Now why does she say to me VERY LOUDLY, VERY CLEARLY: “Damn you left that n!gg@ quick!”
I rushed her off the phone, and there was a painful silence in the car. It was excruciating.
Dropped him off, and even after that—for the next twenty-seven days, he would text me:
“Hey”
“Hello”
“Hey”
“Wanna hang today?”
And nothing from me.
Y’all, one time he even sent:
“Door open” then, “Sorry that was for someone else,” less than five minutes later when it had been days since I responded.
Sir… BE F*CKIN FOR REAL! You know, that I know, that you know that text wasn’t for someone else. I am not dumb, stupid, or slow!
It wasn’t until I texted him finally:
“Hey, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I don’t want to be friends. No hard feelings & I hope things aren’t awkward if we see each other again! No need to text me anymore!”
And then I think after that day, he blocked me, which was completely valid. That text was absolutely evil.
An Analysis of Said Case:
I felt like just not saying anything at all would convey that I didn’t like the kid in a romantic or friendly way, considering that was what people I would surround myself with would also do at that point in time. I mean if I texted someone just two different days at various times, I would just never attempt again, because I’ll be damned if I willingly let myself look like Boo Boo the Fool to a man for days and weeks on end.
I think it’s important to note that I had never really had to “let anyone down”, so naturally, I’m going to choose the least confrontational way since we didn’t have that much of an attachment and THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE DO. That’s the TREND. I feel like not receiving a response from someone after several tries—you should take that as a cue to stop.
“Taylor, maybe social cues only translate in person, and not virtually?”
You might have a point there. I just think that since humans change, develop, and evolve over time, especially with new innovations and technology, why wouldn’t our behaviors and understanding of social cues change with time as well? Why wouldn’t we start to pay closer attention to communication styles and attitudes in the virtual space? Why wouldn’t we at least attempt to navigate social cues virtually?
So now that I’ve talked about my attempt at partaking in the “fashionable” way of dating habits in this scenario, let’s discuss “style” or my empathy (and lack of) in this case.
Empathy was not driving my choice to ghost him, rather my own comfort drove it. Therefore my original theory for this whole post was wrong.
By the time I made an empathetic decision, it was when I decided to text him how I felt. It was time for me to be honest and direct. Was the way I communicated it kind? Absolutely not, which I have since worked on the way I convey certain feelings to people so as to not be…a b*tch. But I think part of how I navigate empathy has always been being candid with others about my feelings since I always hope others would do the same. I’ve never been a big fan of mind games, and I don’t think that I’m good at them. Ghosting is not a trend I’ll hopefully be participating in or be a victim of while in the dating world. I know I’m only 21 but I just feel like I’m too grown for that now.
To further express why I think empathy is timeless, I do not believe there are many ways that empathy has changed over the last hundreds of years. Perhaps the same thing can be said for people reading certain body language as social cues, but like, were men back in the 1800s waiting on women to do that eye to mouth to eye method before asking for their hand in marriage? I’m sure there are physical gestures that meant flirting way back when that doesn’t mean shit today.
According to Dr. Daniel Goleman and Dr. Paul Ekman, renowned psychologists, there are three types of empathy:
Cognitive Empathy: The ability to understand another’s perspective
Emotional Empathy: The ability to physically feel what another person feels
Compassionate Empathy: The ability to sense what another needs from you
I feel like these three pretty much sum up what it means to be empathetic, and none of these are really dependent on the time period. Empathy is a response that humans have had since the dawn of time, while social cues are everchanging in my opinion.
I would like to thank the lovely Kaylin Oliver for mentioning to me that social cues & empathy aren’t mutually exclusive, which defined the direction of this post. She also has a blog, where she reviews different black authors’ series/books. Kaylin is one of the most intelligent people I know, and she’s insanely hilarious—so PLEASE check her stuff out. Maybe this shout-out will force her to write another post SOON!
As always, thank you so much for reading and exploring this series with me. Next up, I’m going to dive into whether or not I believe that different genders experience social cues and empathy the same, or have gender norms drastically changed them.
Let me know if there are any topics I should write about next! Let me know if you agree or disagree, or if there are any points that I made that I should expand on! I love hearing y’all feedback ALWAYS. Also, if my crush is reading this, I’d NEVER ghost you <3.
