Socialization of the Sexes
Disclaimer: This post and however many are in this series look into how I navigate my interpersonal relationships with a focus on my dating life, yet it won’t be exclusive to my dating life. Therefore, to protect the privacy of certain individuals the names of those mentioned have been changed in this post.
My earliest memory of getting “checked” was the start of my 8th grade year.
The school I attended required specific shoes on chapel days. I’m not sure why there was such a big issue with sneakers, when the Lord says come as you are, but that’s besides the point. I needed something “presentable” to wear on my feet on Wednesdays with my wide pleated skirts (I begged my mom for the $45-$60 skinny pleated skirts for years only for her to actually end up being right about how wide pleats looked better. Sorry Mom) and the light blue button down.
I was tired of wearing flats or moccasins on chapel days after a few years, and I refused to let my mom buy the saddle oxfords that nearly every girl had. I finally did my research and found the Doc Marten’s 8065 Mary Janes. I actually wanted them in brown—which is proof that I always knew brown was my color—but sadly Amazon didn’t have them at the time, so I had my mom order the black. See the shoes below—aren’t they adorable?!?!? Also—Ford might claim their cars are built to last, but whoever made that slogan OBVIOUSLY hasn’t had a pair of these hoes.
I couldn’t have picked a worse time to get a shoe so ugly (so ugly that they’re cute in my opinion).
It was 2015 mind you, back when you could still say you wanted something out loud and your phone wouldn’t show you ads for it in the next hour. While I know eighth grade Taylor would slap me across the face for saying this, sometimes I miss the camaraderie of a shared internet back in the 2010s where it wasn’t so niche to the individual, because guess what? Everyone knew popular memes and would REGULARLY quote them.
Within the first thirty minutes of being on school grounds & wearing them, I was met with the dreaded “WHAT ARE THOOOSSSEEEEEEE”. Middle school on a girl is already hard enough, but being ridiculed for shoes, especially ones you were excited about?? Defeated. Absolutely defeated.
I heard that for weeks, typically from the boys in my grade, which is the most important part of this story.
Boys and men are socialized to point the odd one out. They are so quick to comment on distinct features or “weird” things going on. This is because, especially in Memphis, it’s check or be checked. They always have something in their front and back pockets to criticize because the way they develop relationships both platonic and romantic alike require it. Men are extremely socially aware.
Have you all seen the jokes about how this new generation of men are “sassy”? When men finally express thoughts that aren’t factual (like when someone is “fat”, “a leprechaun”, weird or in my case—wearing something that isn’t the norm), they are immediately reduced to having a stereotypically feminine trait. While it’s become more common for men to show some sort of vulnerability or insecurity, society still does not take kindly to it. Therefore, it continues the cycle of them attempting to assert their masculinity—and it morphs into what we call today “toxic masculinity”.
Toxic masculinity doesn’t allow men to recognize the cues others give due to the lack of empathy they feel they’re allowed to express. I will honestly go a step further to say the concept gives men and boys a pass to ignore social cues given, as a way to maintain their power over whoever comes their way.
Toxic masculinity makes men selfish, and while being selfish is needed at times, in extreme amounts, it’s detrimental to society. Perhaps I shouldn’t even use the word selfish in this context, but rather self-advocacy. Maybe that should be a blog topic to explore at a later date.
I digress.
Not to sound all call-to-actiony, but we must dismantle the way men are socialized in order to improve their empathy. We need to create spaces where there isn’t an inverse relationship between being vulnerable (a key component to empathy), and a man having the capability to “hold it down” as TJ said in my interview with him months ago.
I am such a hater when a girl isn’t a girls’ girl.
I’m taken aback when someone defies the rules of girl code and seems to lack an understanding of true womanhood.
I was walking to dinner with a group of ladies a little bit ago in the evening, and this one person decided to walk what seemed like 12-17 feet in front, as if it’s not known women should walk together for safety reasons. I was honestly furious at the time for this blatant disregard for me and the other girls. To me, it wasn’t a “fast walker” issue, but a personal attack. It was “Well damn if one of us got snatched—she wouldn’t be the wiser” and “I guess homegirl doesn’t think our conversation is interesting enough to walk with us” and finally “Does she even want to be here?????”
Why was I expecting so much from this person? Why do I expect so much from women in general?
Unlike men, women are socialized to be empathetic to every single person we come in contact with. We’re expected to be the doormats of the world. We’re supposed to take what we’re given and suck it up—no matter how much it diminishes us.
Women aren’t afforded the luxury of being selfish. If it’s not our families and partners to care for, it’s our friends and literal strangers that we must anticipate every emotion that someone else might feel when we do or say something.
Take one of the earlier blog posts in this series for instance, my mom nailed me into the wall for being “mean” to that guy for telling him to stop texting me. Granted, I could’ve phrased it better but it was obvious I wanted nothing to do with him, so I finally let him know, and it’s still a problem.
Even when we know we’re 100% in the right, we sometimes still feel bad about the way we handle situations—at least I do. A few days ago, I was supposed to hang out with this guy, and we set a time. He was an hour late—still hadn’t arrived yet, but kept texting that he was on the way. When I finally told him to just not come through because he was disrespecting my time, I weirdly felt like I was being a b*tch about the whole thing. I questioned my standards with thoughts of “I hope he’s not too upset” and “I should’ve just let him come.”
I see so many women lose themselves—myself included—trying to figure out ways to serve others best. Ladies, if you are anything like me, literally stop doing it. There comes a time when being the cool girl or doing things for the sake of how others might feel is detrimental to your wants and needs. Be selfish every once in a while.
This trait of ours is why I believe most women react to social cues in a completely different way than men. I guess I should really start speaking for myself, but I spend so much of my time trying to be empathetic to others’ sensitivities and wishes, that I pick up on the slightest change in tone or body language and start worrying on the spot. It could mean absolutely nothing, but I’m over here changing my behavior in order to appease others.
It’s almost a defense mechanism at this point, which begs the question of whether I am truly being empathetic to others, or am I doing/saying/not doing/not saying things as a way to protect myself, but I won’t get into that.
If I haven’t explained this small portion of womanhood enough, I think America Ferrara’s monologue in Barbie gets it just right.
My call to action for this part of the post is that we need to start allowing women to be self-advocates without judging or questioning why they do what they do because at the end of it all, “nobody gives you a medal or says thank you” for everything that we put up with, so it’s time to start breaking these cycles.
This doesn’t just apply to you, the reader. I need to not take offense when a woman doesn’t fit norms of my own. I wouldn’t say it’s me lowering my expectations of others, but rather removing them, because maybe she was just a fast walker.
Thank you all so much for reading as always! I actually interviewed a few people for this post a few months ago, so most of what I’m talking about came from topics brought up during those conversations. My apologies for taking so long on this installment, but life happens and inspiration comes in waves. I think my final topic in this series will be characters since I think I said I’d be using that terminology a ton—and have yet to do so. Might expand on the selfish vs. self-advocacy front. Who knows?
Let me know what ya think. Questions, comments & concerns are always welcome. See y’all soon!
