Unpacking A Fear

This post is based on “Bad Habit” by Steve Lacy, a hit where Lacy wishes he had known how someone felt about him sooner. The song brought about the question “What’s worse, rejection or regret?” to many of its listeners including myself, so this is part one of my attempt to answer that.

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I have a never-ending to-do list in my brain. There’s always instant relief when I manage to get something checked off. That is until whatever priority I pushed down resurfaces itself at the forefront of my mind. The comfort of being “done” is only ever temporary, but the burden of always needing to do something especially when I don’t have the time, resources, or mental/physical strength to do so is a feeling of permanence to me.

Naturally, with this continuous catalog of tasks for myself, I think about my future a lot. I’ve determined that there are two ways “thinking about the future more than normal” can be classified as. There’s “passionate” meaning that I’m prepared and ambitious, which are positive traits that everyone should aim to possess. Then there’s “obsessive”, which implies a sense of insanity from the over-analysis of things no human can control.

I’ve been skating the fine line between those two words, or feelings, for the past several months, and I’m finally willing to admit that I’m struggling to find the balance.

It’s like, if I’m so focused on setting my future self up to be successful or happy, then when does my present self’s needs and desires get to shine? If I don’t consider my future at all, then I’m unprepared for what my actions today may or may not bring to me later. How do I determine which of my behalves to act on, and what if I focus on the wrong one? How will future Taylor define things like happiness, and how drastically different is that from the way I define it now? Is it really that different?? No, it can’t be so I’ll focus on my present self. But maybe I can try to map out everything, and have a back-up plan, just in case. But oh God, what if the back-up plan doesn’t work? I got it: I’ll have a back-up for the back-up. I guess I need to add “making a back-up back-up plan” to my to-do list. Wait, is that really the most important task I need to complete though? It depends on what you think is more important, you now or you later.

What did you decide again earlier Taylor, I can’t remember?

I didn’t. I couldn’t. Because it’s like, if I’m so focused on setting up my fut. . .

Do you (yes, I’m now talking to whoever is reading this time) understand what I’m getting at?

I know it might sound like I’m literally psychotic. I swear I’m not. I eventually make a decision for what I think it’s best. It’s just the thought process to get there is so painful to get out of sometimes since it’s cyclical.

I think the root of my struggling to choose things is fear, but fear of what?

For a while, I thought I just feared failure. Failure is generally short-lived though, at least for me, so I’ve ruled it out. But thanks to the song reminding me of a word that I don’t hear too often, I’m now convinced it’s the fear of regret.

I’m not saying regret has no purpose. It’s presence is evidence of guilt or shame. It’s holding yourself accountable for your actions. It’s recognizing that a habitual behavior needs to cease.

However,

Regret has the ability to last forever, to be all-consuming.

Regret is self-inflicted. It’s the bounds you give it.

Regret is questioning your judgement; it’s indirectly admitting that you didn’t know what you were doing at one point. It’s cringey even. It’s “I cant believe I . . .” or “What was I thinking?”

Regret is the worst form of comparison. You’re comparing yourself to something unattainable— these highly idealized realities that you didn’t choose or didn’t happen. Mulling over the “what could of been” is the ultimate thief of joy if I’ve ever heard one.

As I get older, it seems like I have less and less time to make decisions I’ll regret later, and I really don’t want to end up hating who I become because of my past.

“So Taylor, what are you going to do to get over your fear?”

For now, I’ll work on believing that situations I’m met with or choices I make are “lessons” or “blessings” instead potential regrets.

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I like asking people’s opinions on the topics I write about, because it allows me to get more perspective. In a conversations with some coworkers, it was stated that regret is a feeling, and rejection is an action, making the two hard to determine “what’s worse”. I hadn’t thought of that way, that the two were incomparable, so I decided to unpack the them separately. I apologize if this is not the stylistic choice you were expecting; this was not the intended direction a month ago. Yet, I’ve been feeling fearful about things lately, so it’s going to affect how I choose to take one a topic.

My next post will be about rejection. Or at least that’s what I think it’ll be. Hell, with the way my week has gone, it might be a story time post. Stay tuned.

As always, thank you for reading, and let me know what you think! I’ll see guys when I see you.